Angel

She laid there.  Her face was as blank as I wished the bill was.  I hadn’t seen her smile since the day her father died.  To make things worse, Molly had leukemia. My Molly, how could this happen?  She had been battling this disease for 3 years now, almost half of her life.  It hurts me so much to see such a young girl suffer. She is only seven; this is too much for her.  I also have another daughter, Maya.  She is 4 years old and looks up to Molly more than the stars in the sky.  But I guess it makes sense.  I have three jobs to try and pay off all of the medical bills and still support my two beautiful daughters so I am not always there for them; especially at this time of year.  It’s getting closer and closer to Christmas, so I have to let Molly and Maya down yet again; we can’t afford presents.

“Mommy, Ms. Anne said there’s only two more days ‘til Christmas!”  Maya burst into the room, followed my sister, Christine.  I tried to force a smile onto my face, but I could not manage to; instead, I choked back tears.  Then Maya ran to the window and  shouted “Mommy!  IT’S SNOWING!”  I looked at Molly whose face had suddenly filled with color and emotion.  “Mom, can we go play in the snow?”  Molly asked.  It was the first thing she had said in days and it excited me until I realized, she couldn’t.  “Maybe later girls,” I replied trying to sound hopeful.  Molly’s smile disappeared and the color in her face retreated once again. 

I left the room for a moment leaving the girls with Christine.  I had to find the doctor.  I franticly made a loop around this wing of the hospital.  When I returned, I found him just about to walk into Molly’s room.  “Wait!” I yelled.  The doctor turned around to face me.  “Just the person I needed to talk to.” He  said trying to maintain a smile on his face.  We walked away from Molly’s room and the doctor took me to his personal office.  I had only been in here once before; the day we found out that Molly had leukemia.  I tried to stop myself from panicking, but I couldn’t.  The doctor calmed me down and began to speak gently to me, stating the facts first.  “I know that having a child sick is every parent’s nightmare.  I have children too, and if anything ever happened to them, I don’t know what would become of me.  We both also know what an amazing child Molly is; she has been battling this disease for 3 years now.”  I started to break down again but the doctor stopped me and continued talking.  “Listen to me, this has not been an easy three years for you or the rest of your family and I understand that.  There is something very important you need to know.”  I could feel my heart pounding, my throat swelling.  “Molly’s cancer has spread.  We will do the best we can to try and help her, but her only chance of living through this; is a miracle.

I broke down completely.  I cried until there was no water left in my body.  The doctor tried to comfort me but it was no use.  He had just told me that my daughter was probably going to die!  How was I going to live happily for the rest of my life with only half of my family?  Once I had brought myself together a little bit more, I remembered why I wanted to talk to him.  I slowly began “Um, Molly wants play in the snow.”  A smile spread across his face when I said this.  “She already is.” He replied.  “What, where?” I asked as excitement began to grow inside of me.  He lead me into Molly’s room and directed my view out the window.  Sure enough, Molly and Maya were playing in the snow in front of the hospital.  “Thank you”  were the words I whispered before grabbing my coat and running to my girls. 

When I came outside, I saw that there was a nurse sitting by Christine, making sure that everything went well; it certainly was going well.  Both Molly and Maya were smiling and laughing as they laid in the snow moving their arms and legs back and forth to create snow angels.  “Mommy, look what Molly taught me how to do!” Maya said running towards me and pointing at her snow angel.  I remember when Molly was her age; she was happy, for the most part, until she was diagnosed.  I felt my tears coming.  I forced myself to smile at Maya.  Then I walked over to Christine, gave her arm a little tug, and asked the nurse to watch the girls for a moment.  I pulled Christine into the hospital and we stood in the middle of the lobby.  Christine looked at me with question, but didn’t say a word. I looked her in the eye, with my own eyes starting to form tears.  “She’s going to die.” I barely got the words out before I broke down.  There was no way to calm me down now.  Christine had tears rolling down her face too, but I could tell she was trying to stay strong, for me.  She embraced me as I sobbed, trying to comfort me.  But I was past the point of comfort.  I was past the point of truth.  I was past the point of everything.

                About an hour later, Christine came back into the hospital with the girls.  I had calmed myself down enough so that Molly and Maya wouldn’t be concerned.  I slowly stood up from the chair I had been seated in.  It seemed to take more effort than usual.  As we walked Molly back to her room, the girls couldn’t stop talking about their outdoor adventures.  It made me glad to know that they were happy.  I don’t think I have seen such a smile on Molly’s face since before she was diagnosed.  We sat in Molly’s room drinking cafeteria hot chocolate.  Molly’s, of course had been made special for her, but she didn’t seem to mind.  Molly was happy and that’s all that mattered.

                Later that night after Molly went to bed and Maya had gone home with Christine, I found myself kneeling next to Molly’s bed.  I observed her features: dirty blonde hair, soft pale face, light pink lips; she was beautiful.  I rested my elbows on the edge of her bed and began to pray.

“God, I know that your plan is always best.  I know that you are always right.  You are amazing.  You have given me my life and the lives of my daughters and I thank you for that.  I guess I just come away with one question though.  Why would you want to take Molly away from me so soon?  She is too young.  She is too young.  She is too young….” I began to cry again.  I leaned forward into my hands.  “Why her?”  I cried for at least 5 minutes before a nurse came in and Molly looked up into my eyes.  “Mom, why are you crying?”  I didn’t have a chance to answer her before the nurse began to start her check-up.  “How are you Miss Molly?”  “I’m very good.”  Molly replied.  But she didn’t sound very good.  She sounded sad.  All I wanted was for her to be happy, but I couldn’t even do that.  I tried to hold back more tears as the doctor did the check-up.  They were too strong.  They defeated me.  The tears poured down my face as I watched her sit there.  I was sitting in a chair in the corner and I hoped that Molly wouldn’t see me crying, but with my luck, of course she did.  She didn’t say anything until after the doctor had left.  “Mom, before the doctor started talking, I asked you a question!”  “What was your question Molly?” I asked hoping she would think of a new one.  “Why are you crying?”  “I’m not crying.” I said quickly wiping the tears from my eyes.  “Mom, just tell me why.”  “Molly, I’m crying because I love you.”  “Well if you love me, isn’t that happy, not sad?”  “I love you so when I see you laying there in that bed, I feel helpless, there is nothing I can do to make you better, and I hate that, Molly.  I just wanted you to have the best childhood, but now you have had more treatments and surgeries than I have had.  And Molly, I’m crying because I love you.”

After Molly fell asleep, I had to leave.  I had to go shopping for Christmas.  This year I had $10 to spend on each girl.  That is a double of what I had last year to spend.  It was December 24^th and that meant Christmas was tomorrow.  I had to pick out things for the girls quickly so that I could get back to Molly.  Maybe this year I could get them each a shirt instead of the mittens they had to settle for last year.  I quickly decided on matching shirts that had the word angel printed across the front with sparkly wing on either side of the word.  I brought them back to the hospital and wrapped them in some extra newspaper. I put them under the white board that had a Christmas tree drawn on it.

The next morning Maya came running into the room at 8:00AM.  Christine followed slowly behind her. “Maya was very excited.” Christine stated as she tried to force the corners of her mouth into a smile, but she really hadn’t slept much and it was very obvious. Maya had made her way over to Molly’s bedside saying “Molly, look at the presents mommy got us!  I guess Santa forgot about us again this year too, but it’s ok.  Merry Christmas Molly!” Then a nurse came in to help Molly out of bed and Maya ran over to me and gently asked, “Mommy, can me and Molly open our presents now?”  “As soon as Molly is ready, sweetie.” I told her as I looked into her bright, beautiful, lively eyes.  They held excitement.  They held happiness.  They held innocence.

Molly was seated on her bed.  Her little feet were dangling off the side of the bed.  Maya brought both of the presents over.  She handed Molly her present and jumped up next to Molly.  Molly looked at me, then back at Maya and told her “On the count of three.  One..” “Two” Maya counted eagerly. “Three” They screamed together and then they tore off the newspaper to reveal the shirts.  “I love it, Mommy!” Maya exclaimed as she ran over to give me a hug.  As I hugged Maya, I saw that Molly was still sitting on the bed.  Her shoulders were slouched and she clutched the shirt in her right hand.  I released Maya, walked over and sat down next to Molly.  “What’s wrong sweetie?”  I asked her.  “Mom it’s not fair.”  “I know Molly.  I try my best to get you girls something you’ll love but I-”  Molly cut me off, “No Mom.  It’s not that I don’t like the present, it’s just that I can’t wear it.”  “Now why wouldn’t you be able to wear it Molly?” I asked, taking the shirt from her hand and popping it over her head, right on top of her hospital gown.  Molly smiled.  “Thanks mom.”  I gave her a hug and held on tight, until I heard Maya behind me “Time to sing Christmas songs!!”  “Slow down Maya.  We have to eat breakfast first.”  I told her.  She began to giggle. Then her giggle turned into a laugh.  By then, Molly and Christine had started to laugh.  I found myself smiling.  I hadn’t smiled a real smile in at least 3 years.  It felt good for a moment, but it all melted away when the nurse walked into the room.  She brought me back to reality.  She woke me up from my dream.

Our relatives came that morning and all had a great time with the girls.  I got a chance to relax a little.  The girls were excited because they only got to see them every three years, since they lived on the other side of the country.  For Maya, this is the first time she would be old enough to remember anything.  As the day went by relatives came in and out of the room, one after the other.  By 5:00PM, they were gone.  Every last one.  Even Maya and Christine had gone home.  Once again, it was just Molly and me for dinner. 

As we ate, like usual, we talked.  But today was different.  Molly asked “What’s heaven like?”  “I don’t know Molly.  I’ve never been there.”  “Will I go to heaven?”  “You would have to ask God that.  Only He knows.”  Molly put down her fork, got out of her bed and knelt next to it.  I watched her pray.  I could almost see God caressing her hair.  As she prayed, I began to cry.  It was a beautiful moment.  Molly climbed back into her bed.  She folded her hands again, and continued praying.  After a few more minutes of praying Molly called for me.  I walked over to her bed and smiled down at her, tears still pouring down my face. She was still wearing her new shirt over the top of her hospital gown. “I love you mommy.”  “I love you too, Molly.” And then she was gone. 

The nurse came in seconds later to find me crying over the precious body.  She quickly came to my side to comfort me.  But nothing could comfort me.  Nothing could heal this wound.  Nothing could bring back Molly.  I looked up for a moment and glanced around the room.  There was everything but her.  There was here favorite teddy bear on the bed.  There was pictures of our family hanging on the board.  There was the projects Molly made when she was bored.  There was everything but Molly.

I spent the rest of the night right next to Molly, praying.  Praying for Maya. Praying for Molly.  Praying for everyone.  At about 4:30AM I started to sort through Molly’s things.  Almost everything she owned was at the hospital with her.  With every stuffed animal, necklace, sock, or other miscellaneous  things I found, I held it for a moment; I absorbed every last memory  out of it.  By the time that Maya came home in the afternoon, I had the entire room cleaned out.  As I was looking at the empty room, I heard Maya. “Mommy?” I ran to her and hugged her.  I held her tight.  When I let go, she looked confused.  Then I realized that Maya didn’t know about Molly yet.  I took her by the shoulders as I crouched in front of her.  “Maya, there is something I need to tell you.”  “Mommy, what happened to Molly’s room?”  She tried to push her way into the room but I held her back even though I was crying again.  “Maya, listen to me sweetie.  Molly isn’t here anymore.”  I had to stop because of my tears.  “Is she all better?” Maya asked sounding very excited.  “No, Maya.”  I struggled to get the words out.  “Where did Molly go then, mommy?”  “Heaven.  Molly went to heaven.”  I broke down after that last sentence.  I hugged Maya and she hugged me back.  After a couple of minutes Maya asked “When is she coming back?”  I told her, still sobbing “She is never coming back, Maya.  Molly died.”  Maya began to realize what was happening even though she could not comprehend the situation entirely.  Maya began to cry.  I hugged her again.  Maya pushed away and walked into the room.  She examined everything, imagining it the way it used to be.  Then she noticed that there was still something of Molly’s in the room.  She reached up onto the bed and grabbed Molly’s new shirt.

~*~

I walked slowly into the church, holding Maya’s hand.  We went to the front where Molly laid peacefully in her casket.  A pink flower rested perfectly in her beautiful dirty blonde hair.  She wore a long sparkly pink dress that went past her feet.  She looked like a princess; my princess.  I knelt before her, Maya copying my every movement.  I folded my hands and prayed silently.  Dear God, Thank you for the time you gave me with Molly.  She was the light of my world.  Her face shining like the sun.  Every time she smiled, it made the sun and the stars look dull.  She was my everything.  I trust that you will take good care of her in heaven.  I love her so much.  Tears flooded my eyes once again.  “I love her so much.” I repeated softly.  “Me too.” Maya said, mimicking my tone.  We stood up and I began to walk away.  “Wait! Mommy!”  I heard Maya say from behind me.  I turned around and walked back over to wear she was.  She put her little backpack down on the ground and started looking through it.  A few seconds later, she pulled out a shirt.  It was Molly’s shirt.  Maya climbed up by the casket and laid the shirt on top of Molly.  I went to help her.  We made sure that it looked perfect and then backed away to admire our work.  I stroked Molly’s hair.  “Mommy, now Molly is a real angel.”  Maya told me happily.  Hearing her words put me to tears again.  “Yes Maya.  Now Molly is a real angel.”

Death Can't Speak

 “War may sometimes be a necessary evil.  But no matter how necessary, it is always evil, never good.  We will not learn to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” -Jimmy Carter.  This quote holds true in the book My Brother Sam is Dead.  This book is about a family who is separated by two things; war and death.  The story is told from the point of view of boy named Tim.  Tim has always looked up to his older brother, Sam, but now Sam has gone off to fight in the war.  Now Tim is left at home with his mother and father to run their family business.

There has to be a reason why the author chose to write this book from Tim’s point of view.  It obviously wasn’t because Tim had the most action packed life, or that Tim completely understood the effects of war and wanted to stop it. No, it was because of his innocence.  Tim had never seen a war.  Tim had never been in a war.  Tim didn’t know very much about war.  This book was written for people from the ages of about 10-16.  Most of these people have the same feelings and worries about war that Tim had, which made it easier for them to connect to the book.  They might not know which side to be on for the war either.  Even to the end of the book, Tim really hadn’t picked a side.  Another reason the author might have chosen to tell the story through Tim is because he stayed alive for the entire book whereas Sam and his father did not.    

                 What if the story was told from Sam’s point of view?  The story would be very different.  One of the main differences would be that instead of hearing all about what is happening outside of the war at Sam and Tim’s home, you would get all the action of war.  You would hear about how he had to sit with a dying soldier for six hours, just waiting for him to die.  You would hear about where the army was going.  You would hear about all the struggles that Sam faced throughout the war.  But the author couldn’t write the story from Sam’s point of view because in the end, he dies.  The author couldn’t explain what it felt like to die, since he himself obviously hasn’t died.

                Tim’s point of view was the best choice for this book. This was a war that he experienced from inside his home.  He didn’t go very far without anyone with him for fear of the war.  Tim explained the war and what it meant to him clearly.  Tim couldn't decide on whether war was a necessary evil or not, but no matter what, war is not good.  War causes pain.  War causes suffering.  War causes death.  We can not learn to live in peace in a world that is filled with war.

Destroyed

  The sun began to drift slowly into view, waiting to meet the untouched bed of snow.  The sun finally peeked over the horizon, almost bursting with joy, impatiently waiting to see its old friend again.  The beautiful sight he was expecting to see had vanished, replaced only with a sight as sorrowing as death.

I destroyed it.

I destroyed the beauty.

I destroyed the perfection.

The guilt rushed through me.

Destroyed.  

The sun's rays burned me.  

Destroyed.  

The cold snow froze me. It destroyed me.  

I was ruined

                 like the snow on the ground.